I intend to come to this blog on Fridays to share what I call “A Friday Moment”. These moments will be a picture(s) and the words that I see through the picture(s). Simply said, “A Friday Moment is something I want to remember, something I want to pause . . . forever!” I wish for you to savor many moments too!
This picture of myself I see every morning. Most days I don’t even notice it. It is simply there on a bookshelf. But this week, I keep looking at it and wonder,”what was I thinking of, dreaming of on that walk through some woods so many years ago?” Well, I will never get an answer to that question but I do know that it was taken before my daughter was born. I wanted so bad to become a “mommy” . . . . and I did!
I can’t stop thinking about this journey I have taken through motherhood . . . how I am growing up too. This is “A Friday Moment” that I wish to reflect on.
When my daughter was born . . . I too was born anew. I became a mother. I have grown into it through lots and lots of tending. I continue still and I love it. Apparently, mothering is my thing as I have been doing it for over a decade. I have been applauded for it and been criticized for it. Neither opinion is really of any importance to me. Mothering my children has been my choice.
I would be telling a lie, a gentle lie, if I said it has been all wonderful. Because if I am honest there have been quite a few moments of anguish, uncertainty, dishevelment, and even awful. But the thing is these two wee babes of mine are growing up so very quickly. The early years are wonderfully intense but oh so short. I would never have wished them away and so very glad I got to participate in the deliciousness and comedy of it all . . . each and every moment.
For it seems to just happen . . . even as I am watching them, they grow. Motherhood has forced me to lose myself a bit in order to care for my two children. But as they grow, their world expands, their independence is asserted and the immediate need for me lessens. This is when I believe I need to find myself again. I need to grow too!
Lately, I can’t stop thinking about this . . . growing up too! I believe there comes a time when I must search and find myself in order to know how to guide my two children. I want to be the me that they are growing up with so they know the me I want them to know. Because here’s the truth . . .
Ultimately, what I want for them most of all . . . is to leave me. Tears streaming down my face. Yes, that is my truth as painful as it seems right now and thankfully, I have many years still to be a “mommy”. But of course, I wish for them to leave me in order to become who they will be.
So my question to myself . . . “Who do I want to be left with?”
I continue to walk . . . as I am growing up too!
To finding myself once again . . . one Friday Moment at a time! Hugs, M.